“There are all these moments you think you won’t survive. And then you survive.” – David Levithan
So here we are, it’s that time of year once again.
Just like every other year – I have no idea where to begin.
wonderful for some and a living nightmare for others.
And mine? A mixture of in between. When I think of the last 365 days there are only two sides of me I want to share. Freeing myself from him and finding you.
Let me start at the beginning…
Entering 2018 I was your typical 25-year-old. I was working a normal job, had normal friends, did normal every day things. I was even in a somewhat normal relationship with normal ups and downs…
This relationship, I wrote about in my previous end of year blog “Self-Love“ and now reading this again it seems that I already knew I couldn’t fix him, I even admitted to setting myself on fire to keep him warm.
I guess I needed to really see his dark side to finally walk away.
This dark side you might wonder? Punching hole after hole in your brand-new home, spitting in your face, breaking into your home and stealing. This dark side you might wonder? Telling you he would have junkies run through your home, pretending to overdose to try keep you as their possession, throwing drinks and other objects around the place, and the last straw; telling the police he would shoot me and then shoot himself.
Let me say this loud and clear – the more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you.
and for me – I learnt the hard way.
I would like to explain why I stayed for so long. He was exceptionally manipulative and after every narcissistic action or comment our relationship went back to a “honeymoon” period; he apologized, promised it would never happen again and he honestly appeared so genuine and upset. He would buy me flowers or take me to dinner, he would massage my back for 4 hours straight… he even joined a men’s group to learn about Domestic Violence. He did all these wonderful things that made me forget about the bruise he left on my heart.
Sadly, there was no intention to change, he always had me in the palm of his hand and right where he needed me. And eventually I learnt…you can never save someone by letting them destroy you. That’s not love.
Do not be afraid to lose someone who is not grateful to have you, so my advice… Save yourself instead.
Was it easy? No.
Did I do it on my own? No.
Was it worth it? Absolutely.
The biggest mistake I have made this year was letting him stay in my life far longer than he deserved. However, I will never regret being a good person, to the wrong people. In the end, Karma will be a bigger bitch than I’ll ever need to be.
But this story isn’t just about how miserable things can get, it’s also an opportunity to reflect and see how things can always get better.
This year I also realized how magical and life changing listening to your gut instinct is.
I had experienced “gut feelings” before, and although I didn’t experience it to save me, I can proudly and genuinely say… it kicked in when we all truly needed it.
My gut instinct literally saved a life
To this day I still cannot explain how I knew. Am I so in tune I can understand a simple dream of you standing there smiling? So in tune that not seeing you at work (on your RDO) was a reason to be concerned? Was I really going to listen to this gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach that made me crouch in pain….?
“always trust your intuition. You are in tune with vibrations that you can’t see and when something doesn’t feel right, trust it”
Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I knew you better than anyone else in this world, or maybe it just wasn’t your time, or maybe it was the only way we could be brought together. Whatever the way, I’m glad I stopped you drinking and consequently jumping that day.
Now, his story isn’t mine to tell, but to this day I feel completely blessed and honored to think I played any part in helping him stay.
My favorite part of this entire year was realizing that real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.
Jack saw me at my lowest, he saw me go through a really shitty relationship and was always there to take my call when I was scared or upset. He helped me install security cameras and took me to the police station and the entire time didn’t judge me or get angry at the fact I kept going back. The entire time he had his own demons that he kept putting aside for me… I guess admittedly we saved each other.
He will always be my protector and as he would say; I will always be his Angel.
I know I have said this before, but this year I realized how incredibly short life is, I heard of way too many people’s stories of losing loved ones so unexpectedly. Their reality was something I somehow escaped and for that reason I would like to say the following;
You are doing so incredible well, you are a true inspiration to me and so many people. I realize life will never be the same but you’ll always have your guardian angel by your side.
I think we are all ready to start 2019 and start this all over again. x